As on most days I had set out to see what I could see, with no real destination in mind other than I knew I was supposed to go to town. When living off a dirt road this is not always close. Step by step I walked which soon turned into a mile. In the first two I met up with several deer, since I heard them coming they were more bewildered than I and would just stare. I can't help but wonder what if anything they were pondering but I would move on leaving them to their grazing. It was in the fourth mile I heard a commotion in the thick brush alongside the trail. Curiosity took hold and I went closer to listen and get a closer look.
That is when it happened out onto a stump a squirrel did climb. Standing on his two hind feet he pointed at me and started cussing like old granny McSwede. When he paused and I thought he was done he ran a few laps around that big stump and then once again took up his stance. Screaming at the top of his voice he called me all sorts of names which I don't think I should repeat. For what seemed like hours we both ignored any passersby as he kept up his tirade. When he was done he sat back on his haunches and told me thanks for listening. I nodded and before I could speak my reply he pulled out a little flask and taking a sip he told me he had been looking for his woman but she must have moved and she took the kids.
I told him I was sorry, with a wry grin he offered me a nip but I thanked him and declined wondering just what a squirrel would keep in a flask. A smile took his chubby little face and he said he felt much better and was now going to see a couple of girlfriends down the way. When I asked what his woman would think; he smacked me upside the head and asked why I thought she had left. Wiping my face I shook my head and the little guy asked what did I expect as he was only a squirrel and thought mostly of eating and having sex. Just then an eagle flew by and with one last expletive he took another nip and ran off.
By mile eight I had almost missed that ride still amazed at the little guy and how closely so many of my friends were just like him. Later when I got home my wife did ask what was wrong when she saw my face and I blurted out I have a lot of squirrel friends. Of course by now you know that did not go over so well.
First came the slap, the a few choice expletives than another slap; and then me asking what that was for. After a long tirade which was directed at me and brought into the air several names; I had to start laughing. My wife asked if I thought this was funny and I said I do. Without a word down the hall she went and to my amazement came out with a load of clothes, mine and out the front door they went. I followed and could not help but grin. When she was through I was just sitting on the porch swing. Pausing she asked me to give her some names and I asked names for what. she quietly said she wanted to know the names of my girlfriends. Scratching my head and I thought for a moment and then taking her hand I walked her inside and stood her in front of the mirror and told her to take a good look as if she did not know her own name neither did I.
Walking back out I looked at my accumulated stuff. A child's voice asked dad why is your stuff in the yard. My reply was apparently mom did not like the idea of being my girlfriend. The same child said she was my wife and his mother. Thanking him for setting me straight I sat back in the porch swing. When my wife of many years finally came out she wanted to know why. I asked her why she was my girlfriend or why I had squirrel like friends. I swear the contour of her face changed when like the dawning of a new day she realized what I had said. Sitting down next to me she asked what I was going to do. With a shrug I asked about what; she pointed to the stuff with which she had decorated the yard.
After a minute I went to the garage and found a nice piece of plywood and some paint. When I was through there was a sign explaining the stuff was free for the taking. Walking back inside I took a shower and then went to bed. When she finally came in she asked if I was really going to leave the mess and I told her it was someone else's. When we heard the commotion she told me something was outside and I said it was probably my girlfriends. Jumping up she told me my wallet was out there; I pointed to the dresser and smiling I told her that was where I left it. Calling me a jerk she ran out of the house and came back in with my wallet and told me most of the stuff was gone. Jumping up I opened the closet and acted surprised when I noticed my side was empty. Going to the dresser it was the same. As I climbed back in bed she asked if I was really going to just sleep. Smiling I nodded and told her when I woke up I hoped to find this day had only been a dream.
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