The Remembrance

I sat above the garden looking to the last vestiges of the dying sun as it buried itself over the horizon with the reflections off the water, I for a moment was transfixed by its tranquility.  In this moment of rare beauty a rawness of emotion takes over and takes me back to years past. One in particular seems like a story I may have read or maybe a scene from a movie but it was neither and she was real, flesh and blood who would stand before me with that grin in her eyes and that smile in her lips which somehow included a pout.  Laughter came easy as did our trips to the beach.  Oh how young I was then, God I can not remember my exact age but I knew I was full of piss and vinegar or so they say. She tamed me or at least she tamed my heart.

Even now though more of a dim haze I can see her, hair down to her waist which she could control like so many tendrils that would trap me like fox in a snare.  Even the night my fingers got tangled she laughed and forced me to just sit and stare into her eyes as she spent who knows how long to untie them.  That is when I fell into that enchanting pool better known as her soul.  I awoke having missed work with my head in her lap. I did not care as she was there.  For a summer, like a slave, I was at her bidding. The trips, the dinners out on the town and then back home for a late night swim.  Always waking up with my head being caressed,

Then came the conversations, marriage, children and sex became her favorite topics and as a young man she had me and with only a nod or a wink I would have like Don Quijote attacked the nearest windmill and vanquished that sordid beast.  But alas the day came when after a bit of unfettered heated activity she spelled out the truth, I had been a nice side show before she went to see the big show in the center ring.  I finished the deed and then after a passionate farewell, I knew it was done.

Though sadness took my heart that day devouring me whole, I felt no anger and as I watched her drive away I guess I knew it was for the best.  Now years have past I have built a life with the mother of my children and am seeing the last of them preparing to leave I have not thought about her in all these years until now and I wonder for a moment if she had any children of her own or if she ever did marry, finish her school and become the designer she wanted to be.  Unlike other men I have no illusions and no desire to even find her as what we had then was for then and it is not in the now.  Still if she ever read this I would want her to know who I am now was in part because of her, and I realize that sadness that sits deep within of which has become my security blanket belongs to her.

That sadness she will never get as to my grave it will go spoken of only this once.  I just needed to say it just in case on the off chance she might one day come across this and read it.  With that I am done and going back to my living life.